demo vent

maybe i jump too quickly to make decisions. maybe i'm too eager to help out and/or promote a tkd group. a group that really doesnt deserve it, and is incapable of rallying and responding. what's with the lack of enthusiasm and interest? i'm practically begging people to help out, and really minimizing the time they need to commit. probably all for nothing, too.

what is pissing me off is that basically there's a lack of interest, enthusiasm, and willingness to help out. i would have jumped at the opportunity to help, even if it meant a few minor personal sacrifices. "school work and midterms" should not be an excuse. there are many other things that you do in your life that wastes time. so now it comes down to *maybe* i will be driving to LA late on saturday and missing a family dinner because of some demo that i want to make successful, but has no support from my side. at this point it's basically a saving face operation. i have to save face for ian in the eyes of ihouse, and i have to save face for ucsdtkd in the eyes of ian and his ihouse friends. and also for myself, because i've scheduled and cancelled this demo like twice now and i'm about to cancel it again.

torturing myself over this brings me to wonder about bigger life questions. what does it mean in the world to be enthusiastic? dedicated? motivated? ambitious? i think that it definitely means you will be disappointed when the rest of the world doesn't follow. i think that it also makes you into a leader, purely because everyone else is too lazy to be one. because i'm definitely not a good natural leader. but in the field that i'm best at - taekwondo - no one else is there to lead, and it's much easier for me to fall/get pulled into that role. garrett said yesterday that the demo will be hard if i'm not there for saturday, because you need someone assertive and strong to make the demo go, otherwise it'll just fall apart. who, me? assertive? that surprised me, but i guess in light of it all, i am the most assertive when i do something in taekwondo, especially when i feel, subconsciously, that everyone else is not pulling their weight.

lesson is: don't participate. fuck the world. don't expect others to volunteer to help just because you're like that. i think i've proven my willingness. now i need a few more people to do the same.