the real skinny of things

i stepped on the scale tonight after practice and saw the magic numbers: 137.7. and there it was - i've crossed the line and am now officially on weight. (or within attainable distance for it.) it's a completely strange feeling to know that you weigh less than 140 lbs, simply because it feels exactly the same as when you weigh over 150 lbs. but when i think about the me that is in the off season it seems like he's a different person, yet really not. i expect to become some sort of impish, monkey like creature when i hit bantam, and feel that the lightweight me is some sluggish - not hippo, but maybe like a fat dog. but i don't think it's actually any different.

aside from the us open, this basically means i'm on weight about 1 month in advance, a first time in my life. but this is also probably the last time i will ever be committed like this, because for the last half year i've had collegiate nationals somewhere in the back of my head, and subtlely my whole life has been oriented to that. who knows what will happen once i graduate from collegiate taekwondo completely? will i still feel the same motivation, the same masochistic drive to constantly train? i can almost feel that the post-tournament crash this time is going to be apocalyptic, because of the long period of cutting, and the long, indefinite period of being free from taekwondo afterwards. sure, i will never be free of taekwondo, but up to now collegiates is still the main motivation factor and i don't know if i will feel the same way about senior nationals, and even the us open.

i hope i'm not just living a lie, to myself and my friends. i know this is what i want now, but after 137 bobby disappears, will the rest of his personality disappear with the weight change?