two types of taekwondoists

i think there are two types of taekwondoists. there's the stereotypical martial artist, who is self confident, strong, silent, and at peace with himself and the world. and then there's the one for whom taekwondo becomes a drug, an addiction at times that can be painful, yet drives him on, losing track of everything else but periodically rejecting it in a burst of violent anger. and in the end he is embittered. and anyone who claims to be the first can't be a true taekwondoist. you are just a poser. because how can you escape the emotional ups and downs? there's so much pain one must go through just to practice this art. it's not tai chi, and you're not david carradine.

i think so much of taekwondo is just a personal struggle. for me, it's simply a matter of keeping the faith - staying motivated, bearing the day to day life of work and sleep while counting the days to each tournament. partly, i do it because right now, without it, there is nothing else. without taekwondo it would be hours of oblivion (the game, but literally oblivion). but who can say that i'm not alone even though i'm at practice? they say it's hard being at the top. well, i'm not anywhere near the top but i think just wanting to be there puts me in an unreachable place. at least, no one else here is reaching upwards the same way i am, and that makes it all that much harder.

i can't even imagine what else i could focus on. i've thought about how many people start to make a name for themselves once they're out of college, or even while they're in college. you graduate, and after a year, people will know that you've made a lot of money coming out of mit - you've started a company, or hit a huge job, or become some sort of ambassador, or you're the next big thing in showbiz. and i bet other people focus just as much of their time on some personal project that will take them somewhere one day. when that project is a recreational sport that realistically won't bring me fame or fortune, then sometimes that leaves me wondering, when is it a good time to stop playing around? if i focused half this much time and money on something else, like...studying for the gmats, i'd be certain to be "sparring on the national circuit" of business school in no time. but you know, being a club member for the ucsd business team is just not the same as being on a competitive taekwondo team.

the only perk (?) is that it's keeping me in shape...ridiculously low shape. i weighed in at 133.6 after sparring practice, and i'm not even really tired or sweaty. i guess i'm turning into a flyweight slowly?