it's not enough

april 15, 5 pm

sometimes i think that i'm almost there. that i'm just so close to breaking through. but then i don't and i think that i won't ever be able to do it. and then i suddenly find myself up 6-5 with 8 seconds left. and then i wonder if it would have been better to just grab him in the final seconds and get a kyungo because i didn't have any at the time. but thinking does no good. and i went to another room and screamed, and i went outside and screamed, because i had so much tension starting last night (even though i seemed to have slept ok) and that tension turned into surprise when i realized that this guy i fought wasn't that great. and i thought i had a chance to medal. then i stopped screaming and watched some more matches and saw that portland is nothing like us open or senior nationals...it is just a qualifier, after all. and i think i am so close. but then i watch some more matches and there's still so much more to go, and i don't know if i want to keep going or not.

maybe i cant stand to lose in an overtime anymore. i know i should even get to overtime. and i need to learn not to care or think about my opponent too much. and it's so hard to fight without a real team. i really could have used some tBos cheering, or even MIT cheering, because i think i would have won for them. i would have won the match for them, but just winning for myself right now doesn't seem enough. and what i can do for myself isn't enough.