there's something in every taekwondoist that is a monster. a completely different persona that comes out in the middle of a ring that is completely different from who you are once you step off the mats. have you ever looked at someone who you know is good, and wonder how they can be good? but then you know that when they step on, there's something in their eyes that starts burning and out of their lungs and legs is this energy that you won't see in their everyday steps. at least we all have a balanced sense of self so that when we're outside, whether we're drinking beer, working at the office, going to school, or being nerds and playing video games.

my inner monster is dying to go to sleep and never come out again. i know there's a fire inside, and i know what it felt like when it burned, years ago. but when i creep toward the edge again, and the flames begin to kindle, it dawns on me so heavily. with the fire comes a lot of pain that i just couldn't face again. i know what it takes to cultivate that monster, and right when i considered going to the next qualifier, the weight just fell on my shoulders and i was visibly depressed for the next 12 hours. in fact, the past day i felt so unhappy just because of the possibility of competing that i almost needed to skip taekwondo practice to cure it.

and then there are some people who remind me of what it was like to want so much out of taekwondo. and it's hard to even think about what is going through their minds (much less read their blogs about it..) because i don't want to relive what i used to feel, and what i don't want to feel again. the moment you put on an extra layer of warmups, you start obsessing about your kicks, your opponents, psyching yourself out, worrying about weight, obsessing about what to eat next and what you cannot eat anymore...i think one day it's just not worth it. and when i see someone else looking downwards during practice, with a glazed look in their eyes because their mind is actually off somewhere else, burning itself to death, i will painfully remember it, then try to walk away.